Atheist Jokes?

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they have torches!
OR A: None, they have prayer!

Do you have any atheist jokes or short anecdotes? Could be true stories, or you can make one up!

Why wont Jesus play hockey?
He was tired of being nailed to the boards.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.

Originally Posted by widdershins

What did the Catholic priest say when arrested for having sex with a minor? "She said she was 10, I swear!"

Yeah, I know. Very poor taste. You should have seen the one I deleted.

... I don't get it? Am I missing something?

Ohhh okay. I get it now. Thanks for that clarification!

Originally Posted by widdershins

You should have seen the one I deleted.

Love too.

Some more, in poor taste of course:

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out "Quick! The kids!", "Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

Whats the difference between a Christian blow-up doll and a Muslim blow-up doll? The Muslim one blows itself up.

Buddha goes into a Pizzeria and says "Make me one with everything."

What is the ultimate Jewish dilemma? Free ham.

God says to Adam "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says "Tell me the good news first." God says "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies "Wonderful. But whats the bad news?"
God says "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

Twas the Night Before Christmas ...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse

The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped

The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads

Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised
To build a red trike for one of our boys.

When off in the hall there arose a strange noise
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys

The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall

Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess
I suspect he was lost, but he'd never confess

He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools
Emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools

After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape

He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt.

His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke
"The directions are Greek, it's all a sick joke."

At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear
He'll do something stupid; this was my big fear.

He grabbed each toy's instructions, oh why won't he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting "burn baby burn"

"Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too"

As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue

To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all

Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see

The firemen came, dressed in yellow, like sun
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and dialed 9-1-1

Out came the axe, out came the hoses
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses.

"There's no trouble here," I swore up and down
Realizing this faux pas would soon be 'round town

"My husband's a good man," I tried to explain
"The instructions weren't clear. It drove him insane"

The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew

But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight
"Her husband's the third jerk who's done that tonight!"

You Might Be a Yankee If...
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don't know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.