Atheism and monogamy/polygamy

I was just thinking about romantic relationships and struggles of finding a life partner when I had a little bit of an epiphany.. sort of. Thus far in my life, whenever I've been with a girl, I've always had an underlying thought process that evaluates whether a girl could be a potential life partner and someone I would want to live the rest of my life with. I was thinking, what is it that is so appealing to me about being with one single person all of my life. I thought, "we'd be together, live out our lives together, in love hopefully, and then die. Hopefully we'd be the best of friends and form a bond with one another that is unbreakable and very special and dear to each of us." But this means I would also be restricting this person to only experiencing what I have to offer and I would be restricted to only what she had to offer and learn from. As an atheist, I frequently think about the fact that this is my only life. I do not want to waste my one chance at living life and so something seemed fundamentally wrong that I would only have one life partner when there are so many people to learn from.

Thinking of that brought me to another thought. I could live in a monogamous relationship and spend the rest of my life dating different people, but the consequence of frequent dating are break ups, broken hearts, hurt feelings, and also reason to believe we might never learn much from each other because we would not get to know each other for a long enough period of time.

On the other side of that, there are polygamous relationships. These types of relationships are largely not accepted in western culture. Finding someone that is comfortable with polygamy is most likely very hard, finding two to make it polygamous is even harder. But through a polygamous relationship one could experience and learn from multiple partners over a life time, forming bonds with each, and hopefully never experience a broken heart because you can maintain multiple partners rather than having to leave one for another. The problem with this type of relationship is that they might be superficial compared to having one partner. Dividing time up might mean I would be missing out on things I could only experience through a monogamous relationship.

And that is where my thoughts concluded as I moved onto something else. I thought this topic might be a little interesting though, what do you guys think about polygamy/monogamy and how it fits in with living one life and learning from single or multiple partners?

Well, this is all just speculation and personal experience but..

People seem to be evolved for monogamy. I don't even think it's a learned thing. I think it's really just natural instinct to want to be very close to one person and focus on them.

I know there's couples that "swing" and allow each other casual sex, but that's not really polygamy. Even with actual polygamy relationships, I'll bet there is usually one girl/guy that is focused on more than everyone else.

I agree with Louis that is just ruins a better relationship. BUT, that doesn't mean you can't do a lot of dating. In fact, doing so is very helpful in finding the girl you want. Many people who are long-time bachelors (who date a lot) before getting married, often find really good partners because they know well what they want and are more emotionally mature from their various relationships.

Originally Posted by Chris

And that is where my thoughts concluded as I moved onto something else. I thought this topic might be a little interesting though, what do you guys think about polygamy/monogamy and how it fits in with living one life and learning from single or multiple partners?

Do what makes you and your partner(s) happy. If you find one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with then you've done better than most people. If you can find two (or more) then you're pretty well off. But understand that it goes both ways, if you can have multiple companions then those companions could have others uninvolved with you. I cant help but think of Dr. Phlox from Star Trek: Enterprise, he had three wives who had three husbands who had three wives... so on and so forth. Could you handle the potential for jealousy?

Originally Posted by Chris

But through a polygamous relationship one could experience and learn from multiple partners over a life time, forming bonds with each, and never experience the feeling of a broken heart when one leaves.

I disagree here, if you truly had feelings for somebody then I think that if you broke up with them it wouldn't matter if you had someone else to fall back on (for lack of a better term), you'd still go through all the shitting breakup feelings.

Originally Posted by Chris

The problem with this type of relationship is that they might be superficial compared to having one partner. Dividing time up might mean I would be missing out on things I could only experience through a monogamous relationship.

I don't think you'd be missing out on anything. If all people involved really enjoyed and accepted the lifestyle (and nobody was just going along with it to make another happy) then I think it should be equally enriching as a monogamous relationship, if not possibly more.

I'm really probably in no position to give relationship advice (but that's a tale for another day) but if I were you I'd just look for somebody who makes you happy. If you really want to try a polygamous relationship then perhaps take baby steps, starting with an open relationship. See how that goes and if both you and your partner don't have any objections, work your way from there. But really if you love one person or love a hundred people, your life is not wasted as long as you're happy.

Originally Posted by Kiefer

Do what makes you and your partner(s) happy. If you find one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with then you've done better than most people. If you can find two (or more) then you're pretty well off. But understand that it goes both ways, if you can have multiple companions then those companions could have others uninvolved with you. I cant help but think of Dr. Phlox from Star Trek: Enterprise, he had three wives who had three husbands who had three wives... so on and so forth. Could you handle the potential for jealousy?

I disagree here, if you truly had feelings for somebody then I think that if you broke up with them it wouldn't matter if you had someone else to fall back on (for lack of a better term), you'd still go through all the shitting breakup feelings.

I don't think you'd be missing out on anything. If all people involved really enjoyed and accepted the lifestyle (and nobody was just going along with it to make another happy) then I think it should be equally enriching as a monogamous relationship, if not possibly more.

I'm really probably in no position to give relationship advice (but that's a tale for another day) but if I were you I'd just look for somebody who makes you happy. If you really want to try a polygamous relationship then perhaps take baby steps, starting with an open relationship. See how that goes and if both you and your partner don't have any objections, work your way from there. But really if you love one person or love a hundred people, your life is not wasted as long as you're happy.

Just to be clear (because I didn't mention this previously and my original post is deceiving), I am currently with someone. I've been with her for four years thus far. In my original post I was speaking purely from a hypothetical standpoint. I'm not really looking for relationship advice (although if advice shows up, that's great). I created this thread to explore my original notion of monogamy/ polygamy and fitting it in with atheism and the one life we live. I wanted to see what others thought. I would be far to jealous to ever be in a polygamous relationship, lol. But exploring the thought of it might help me better understand why others could be this way and what we might learn from different types of relationships.

I too thought of the extensive chain of polygamy if it were both male and female that were polygamists. Btw is Star Trek Enterprise any good? I've watched every episode of TNG, DS9, and Voyager but never really followed Enterprise.

Originally Posted by Louis

Seriously. The rewards of 15+ years of monogamy have been immeasurable for me, but the end result was hard won. In my experience, there is a long road to the kind of relationship where you are so in tune with another and so completely yourself around another that it's like breathing. I couldn't imagine getting there with more than one individual, let alone more than one individual at a time. For me, it would be emotionally exhausting.

There is also the issue of control. Traditionally, polygamous relationships have been about the subjugation of the female partners of one male individual. I know that's not what you're intimating here. I wonder though how truly equal all partners of a polygamous relationship would really be, given the broad spectrum of human personalities and the vagaries and fickleness of people in relationships.

I agree, I'm too young to have had a 15+ year relationship but I can understand what you're saying after being with someone for 4 years. And in those 4 years I have learned a lot about myself just by being with her, I've also learned a lot from her.. and although she wouldn't admit it, I'm sure my g/f has learned some from me too... about herself and also by default of being around me and having to put up with my hobbies and interests. But we've both gone through a lot together and have made mistakes, and after 4 years I'd say it would be emotionally exhausting to go through and deal with the aftermath of those immature mistakes again.

Yes you are correct, I meant both male and female would be with multiple partners... probably creating a chain to the likes of what Kiefer said. I once saw on Dr. Phil an episode about polygamous relationships and there was one girl that became more possessive than the rest... but it was Dr. Phil so I'm not sure how credible or authentic the relationship was.

Originally Posted by zensunni

People seem to be evolved for monogamy. I don't even think it's a learned thing. I think it's really just natural instinct to want to be very close to one person and focus on them.

I know there's couples that "swing" and allow each other casual sex, but that's not really polygamy. Even with actual polygamy relationships, I'll bet there is usually one girl/guy that is focused on more than everyone else.

I agree with Louis that is just ruins a better relationship. BUT, that doesn't mean you can't do a lot of dating. In fact, doing so is very helpful in finding the girl you want. Many people who are long-time bachelors (who date a lot) before getting married, often find really good partners because they know well what they want and are more emotionally mature from their various relationships.

Yes I agree with you, I think our more primitive version may have wanted to plant seeds in as many women as possible to carry the blood line and breed, but now we can think on a higher level and we have complicated emotions... but we still frequently have a collision between our primitive selves and our more evolved self. High testosterone levels are partially to blame, but at least we can control it.

I am not sure though if it might ruin a better relationship because it is hard to say what is better when one has not experienced a polygamous relationship (although I am completely ignorant about the matter because I havne't read anything about it). You probably can't form as close a bond as you would through a single partner but who knows, it could be a whole new thing all together that might be just as good.

There was a good documentary on human evolution about this.

Apparently, since the head is so big, the birth had to take place earlier than full development. Unlike most other animals, human babies are very underdeveloped.

Thus, the men who stayed with their kids & had attachment to their families were more likely to survive as a family unit, since the mom wouldn't have been much of a deterrent by herself.

This was the explanation of the development of the family. [but for the life of me, I can't find what that documentary was called]

I don't understand why so many people are so hard on polygamies. I think we should all try to be nicer to polygamies. After all, they can't help being so little.